


Denial

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Awesome Sam Wilson, Crack Treated Seriously, Everyone here is bisexual, Humor, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, M/M, Rhodey is Doing His Best, Sam Wilson is a Gift, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, but he's also in denial, like a lot of it lol, minor Peter Parker/ Flash Thompson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-23 00:34:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17673029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: “I’ll cut to the chase. What’s the deal with Rhodey?” Sam asks, realizing too late that that’s not very descriptive as far as Tony is concerned.Tony must know what he means anyway though because he sets down his equipment, turning a few things off before sighing. Not a good sign. “Alright- so here’s the deal. Rhodey has no idea he’s an entire ass bisexual and no, sleeping with men did not clue him in. I love him, but he’s dumber than a sack of hammers with no heads when it comes to this stuff. I think he thinks that because he normally has a preference for women that somehow cancels out his attraction to men? I don’t know, but if you can manage to convince him he’s not straight I would be eternally grateful because his freaking out over you is getting old.”





	Denial

**Author's Note:**

> I love Rhodey being a Dumb Bitch who has no clue he's bisexual so here this is lol. Anyway, I think its funny so hopefully y'all do to.

Okay, Sam does not know what Rhodey’s deal is. One second he’s fine with the whole relationship thing, next minute he’s cagey- Sam’s confused so he’s attempting to track down his resident Rhodey Expert but Tony Stark is kind of a hard guy to find. He does, because he’s resourceful, but it was a pain in his ass.

Tony looks up from his welding, barely, when Sam enters the lab. “Look, if you’re the new Fury I still don’t want to join your super secret boy band-” he starts but Sam cuts him off.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about but I’ll cut to the chase. What’s the deal with Rhodey?” he asks, realizing too late that that’s not very descriptive as far as Tony is concerned.

Tony must know what he means anyway though because he sets down his equipment, turning a few things off before sighing. Not a good sign. “Alright- so here’s the deal. Rhodey has no idea he’s an entire ass bisexual and _no_ , sleeping with men did not clue him in. I love him, but he’s dumber than a sack of hammers with no heads when it comes to this stuff. I think he thinks that because he normally has a preference for women that somehow cancels out his attraction to men? I don’t know, but if you can manage to convince him he’s not straight I would be eternally grateful because his freaking out over you is getting old.”

Oh, so he’s talked to Tony about him then? “What’d he say?” Sam asks and Tony rolls his eyes.

“What is this, grade school? Nothing you probably don’t already know on account of him being extra fucking stupid and wondering if wanting a relationship with you makes him gay. I think he’s been in the military too long- i don’t know. They’re pretty homophobic, probably,” he says, waving a hand around vaguely.

Sam lets out a long sigh. “We met because I used to be _in_ the military,” he says.

Tony, Sam swears to _god_ , loses a little of his soul when he hears that. The dead look in his eyes says it all- he’s a man who’s seen too much of his best friend’s stupidity and he’s had enough. He would have assumed that’d be Rhodey but no apparently its Tony. “Okay, you know what. He’s an emotionally unaware moron. I love him but uh. Yeah, I don’t know how to help you.”

For a moment Sam considers giving him a snarky response but he needs Tony so no. He’ll hold back at least for now. “You said ‘men’ like I’m not the first,” he states more than asks but Tony answers anyway- clearly all too willing to give him all the dirt on Rhodey.

“You aren’t. We basically dated through my whole second degree. But that didn’t clue him in either. Honestly if I weren’t so frustrated with his antics I would find his kind of funny but come on. You don’t date multiple dudes and remain straight,” Tony says, shaking his head.

Wait, Tony’s bisexual? Sam’s pissed no one ever made a story about _that_. “Yeah okay, any others?” he asks and Tony frowns. “I’m collecting evidence to state my case,” Sam explains and Tony nods.

“He’s slept with a couple others but you’re lucky Relationship Number Two. Be prepared for resistance, he doesn’t remember bisexual is a category of sexuality,” Tony says. “Also be sure to nip any ideas of experimentation in the bud- like he’s a smart dude. I’m pretty sure he’s figured out that maybe his feelings are not the average straight dude’s. We’ve had conversations. People know this about him. My damn _kid_  knows this about him and he doesn’t. Peter’s fifteen and spends ninety percent of his time T posing and and crying about having to read American classics in English class. Kid’s smart but ultimately not that aware of the world around him just yet and even _he_  knows that Rhodey’s bisexual. Do you know how hard it is to live with this?” he asks like Sam hasn’t been dealing with months of this.

He shakes his head, “I’m calling his mother,” he says and Tony’s eyes triple in size.

“He wasn’t fucking around when he said you get shit done. Calling in the heavyweights, nice, she’s known for years. You know, because she knows how to put basic behaviors together and her kid doesn’t. Good luck, man,” Tony tells him.

*

Rhodey looks pissed and Tony doesn’t get why. “Why the hell would you tell him any of that?” he asks and Tony shrugs.

“I’m tired of you acting like a fool,” Tony says. And he is- he’s dating Sam, and Sam seems nice, so he should just accept it and ride it out. See where it goes. What’s the harm?

“You basically told him my whole life story!” Rhodey says and that’s a total exaggeration

“Did not. You’re bisexual, deal with it Rhodes. Even _Peter_  knows your bisexual,” he says.

Rhodey rolls his eyes, “Peter once went on a rant about some weird ass Star Wars theory that made no sense,” he says like that means Peter can’t form good thoughts on anything.

Okay, he doesn’t hate Jar Jar Binks so yeah Tony sort of thinks his kid isn’t valid but still. Not the point. “Just because he thinks sinful thoughts, an impressive opinion to pull out of an  _atheist,_ doesn’t mean he’s wrong about the bisexual thing. We dated for two years. You’ve slept with multiple dudes. You’re _currently dating_ Sam Wilson, who seems like a pretty cool dude. I did some research,” he says and Rhodey gives him a _look_  because he knows ‘researched’ means ‘found every single mention of his name ever since birth and read it all to ensure he’s not some type of serial killer.’ He developed the habit after Pepper went on one too many dates with Nazis. Tony would have assumed she’d have good ‘that’s a freak’ senses considering she’s frighteningly competency but actually she really sucks at finding men who aren’t the worst. Which probably explains why they dated for a bit.

Thankfully she’s now with Happy, a perfectly reasonable if a little overprotective driver who sometimes thinks dumb thoughts but Pepper’s always quick to call him on it. They’re good for each other- Happy makes her slow down and watch TV sometimes to relax, and she forces Happy to find activities other than TV to relax. Perfect.

Sam Wilson though, is basically Rhodey bait. Smart- like _hella_  smart, genius even, compassionate, military background, and hilarious. He’s like black Tony except not an emotionally unaware dipshit with a company and also Tony’s mad about it but Sam’s cuter. And a lot more petty, which is impressive when Tony once sued Justin Hammer for six million dollars for wasting his time and won. Still, point is Sam is basically everything Rhodey typically looks for in a partner and mostly never finds. Closest he came was Tony and Sam definitely beats him out in the ‘knows what emotions are and doesn’t flip out about having them’ category- definitely a plus for Sam. And now he’s being weird because He’S nOt bIsExUaL. Tony’s pissed off about it, its fucking stupid and Rhodey needs to grow up.

Does he even realize how bad he has to fuck up for _Tony_  to think he needs to grow up? There’s only room for one emotionally stunted manchild in this relationship and Tony has already taken up that position, thank you.

“I’m not bisexual, and we didn’t date for two years we just messed around,” he says and Tony sighs.

“FRIDAY, patch me in to Peter,” he tells the AI.

“You’re good to go, sir,” the AI tells him.

“Peter hey, explain to Rhodey that fucking multiple dudes and, dare I say, literally _dating_  them probably means he’s bisexual. He thinks he was ‘messing around’ because he’s dumb,” Tony says.

“Oh yeah, I used to think that too but that’s because I was in denial,” a different voice who is definitely not Peter says. Or Ned, which is weird.

“Peter, who’s your friend?” he asks casually.

Peter mumbles something presumably to his friend before clearing his throat. “Um, no one important Dad’s right you’re bisexual Rhodey _bye_ ,” he says fast and Tony frowns. There’s some more shuffling sounds before Peter lets out a loud, frustrated noise. “Oh my _god_ , Flash why would you say something!” he says.

“What? Its not like you dad knew I was going down on you,” he says and Tony lets out a loud wheeze.

“Well _now_  I do,” he says and he swears to god Peter actually screams.

“Cut the fucking connection FRIDAY oh my god!” Peter yells.

“Oh my god I just told your dad-” Flash’s words- and wait, wasn’t Flash that kid who used to bully Peter? When the hell- Tony decides to put that out of his mind and all the disturbing images that came with it.

He turns to Rhodey, glaring at him. “You did this to me,” he tells him. Rhodey looks away, guilty. “Side note, do you know anything about how to give your trans kid a sex ed lesson because I sure shit don’t I just assumed he’d never have sex because of body dysphoria and I realize this is only because I didn’t want to have the sex talk but apparently I was wrong so personally I think this is your responsibility now,” Tony says.

*

Sam looks unimpressed but not as unimpressed as his mother. “I didn’t raise you to be dumber than Tony damn Stark, Rhodey. Are you absorbing his emotional incompetence through osmosis or something?” she asks.

He looks down, “no. But since its between give Peter a sex ed lesson and admit that maybe I am a bisexual I’ll take admitting I’m maybe a bisexual,” he says. Damn Tony, why’s his kid’s sex shit _Rhodey’s_  problem. He didn’t have kids for this exact reason- he doesn’t know what to do with babies because all they do is shit and cry, they’re kind of fun when they’re toddlers but then they turn into pre-teen _demons_ , and then they end up full blown teenage demons, and then they move out. You ketone fun stage but you have to fund the little fuckers the whole time. Not what he calls a worth while investment even if Tony lucked out with the best kid ever. Peter mostly skipped the demon stages and went straight to ‘I’m an adult’ but he’s only three feet tall stage, which is much more reasonable than screaming about hating his parents because he didn’t get some absurdly expensive concert ticket.

He has to admit that whole trans thing threw ‘em all off but once that was sorted Peter mostly went back to being a quiet kid who gets good grades who now needs a sex ed lesson Rhodey sure shit doesn’t want to hand out. This is much better than the alternative, fuck Tony, he can suffer. Rhodey’s bailed his stupid pasty ass out of jail way too many times to get stuck with parenting duties.

“I hope you know you’re the dumbest bitch I ever met. Consider yourself lucky that you’re also probably the coolest person I’ve ever met minus Riley, but that’s only because he’s dead and I don’t want to disrespect him,” Sam says with a straight face. Rhodey cracks up because that has to be the funniest thing he’s ever heard- just about everything Sam says is the funniest thing he’s ever heard.

*

Tony and Rhodey watch as Sam, who they both decided was much more qualified for this position than either of them, regards Peter and Flash with a very serious expression on his face. He kind of looks like a movie villain with a cat in his lap and his hands linked in front of his face but that’s okay. Clearly Flash and Peter are slightly uncomfortable and fucking _good_ , so was Tony when he got too much damn info on a sex life he didn’t know they had. They can _suffer_.

“Children,” he says eventually and the two look a lot more uncomfortable.

Tony turns to Rhodey, “thank god you found him. I’d die if I had to do this. Second hand embarrassment would turn me to dust,” he whispers.

Rhodey nods, giving Sam a look of admiration that Tony has only seen him give to chocolate cake. Sam must really be in his good graces because the only think Rhodey loves more than chocolate cake is his mother. “Yeah, Sam’s pretty great. Good cook too,” he says.

“Thank god because you suck at it,” Tony mumbles, getting an offended look from Rhodey. “What? I’m a better cook and I burn water, Rhodes. You’re embarrassing so I’m glad you found a nice boyfriend to feed you when you’re home. And also to give my kid a sex ed lesson.”

“Yeah, he’s much more emotionally prepared for this than either of us,” Rhodey says.

“Yeah no shit, it took you almost forty six years to admit you’re fucking bisexual and I assumed my kid would be an incel,” he says and Rhodey frowns.

“I don’t think you know what that means,” he says.

“Doesn’t it have something to do with celibacy?” he asks. “That sounds right, right?”

Rhodey shakes his head, “no they hate women and kill them and shit because they can’t get laid. I mean, I probably would not sleep with someone who hates me either though so,” Rhodey shrugs.

“Well, you dated Monica,” Tony points out.

Rhodey makes an offended noise, “I didn’t know she was a racist till it was too late! That was an accident and I left quickly, thank you very much,” he says. “Point is I don’t think Peter would be an incel. Just a cel maybe.”

Tony rolls his eyes, “whatever- I assumed like an  _idiot_ that Peter would just avoid sex forever because he likes Star Wars and stuff. He’s a nerd, don’t nerds never get laid?” he asks.

“No, Star Wars is in now, people think it's cool. Peter is only a nerd by our standards, he’s cool by his generation’s standards,” Rhodey says.

Tony frowns, “what the fuck is up with these Gen Z kids? They eat Tide Pods and think nerds are cool? God damn it, I assumed Peter’s nerd status would act like a fucking chastity belt but no, god damn kids these days are backwards.”

“I mean. At least he’s not been a victim of a hate crime, that’s pretty cool. That would have definitely happened when we were kids,” Rhodey says.

Tony sighs, “yeah alright I’ll give his generation that- they’re at least pretty open minded. Too open minded they need to not eat Tide Pods.”

“We dropped acid so I think maybe they still might win. Like they’re dumb, but we were doing shit that may or may not have resulted in us thinking we were an orange for the rest of our lives,” Rhodey points out.

“Isn’t that an urban legend?” Tony asks.

“Can you two shut the fuck up about thinking your _oranges_? I’m trying to give a damn sex ed lesson here and they keep listening to you two flap over there about dumb shit,” Sam tells them.

Peter crosses his arms, glaring at Tony. “I would _never_  be an incel.”

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing Tumblr](https://tenspencerriedplease.tumblr.com/)


End file.
